So here's what happened. Paramount Skydance's merger with Warner Bros. Discovery will move forward after the company settled with the state attorneys general who sued to block it on antitrust grounds. Paramount is about to take control of CNN, HBO, DC Comics, and the Discovery Channel, which I assume comes with a guy who's still out there looking for Bigfoot.

Now you might ask, "Wait. The people suing to stop the merger are the reason the merger is happening?" And I'd say yes. That's the article. You can go now. No, stay.

Larry Ellison personally guaranteed the $47 billion in equity needed to buy out Warner's shareholders, and sovereign wealth funds from Saudi Arabia, Qatar and Abu Dhabi committed about $24 billion to back the takeover. The Ellisons' longstanding ties to Israel and Netanyahu have also drawn scrutiny now that CNN and CBS will sit under one roof. We're not going to get into all that. This is how David Ellison pimp-slapped CA and got his way. 

Quick explainer, Big Short style. Paramount had a $7 million-a-day ticking fee set to kick in Oct. 1 if the deal hadn't closed, which could have cost it close to $2 billion. And the states' case was headed for a March trial that would have left the deal in limbo through mid-2027.

So Paramount had a bomb strapped to its wallet. Which is usually when you'd expect the other side to have the leverage. Usually.

Then Paramount started house hunting. It was reportedly scouting roughly 400,000 square feet in Nashville and eyeing the Bluebonnet Business Center in Austin. Ellison threatened to move the studio out of California if there was no settlement by Oct. 1.

Bonta called it "blackmail," and the stakes weren't small: an L.A. County analysis estimated a full relocation could cost the state between 28,990 and 57,980 jobs.

Then the settlement landed and Ellison said the combined company will stay put. It's like threatening to run away from home, your parents buy you a car, and you go, "Well. I guess I'll stay." Nashville, sorry. You still have hot chicken.

The settlement includes a five-year commitment to boost film output, at least $1.5 billion more for domestic production, a $47.5 million fund for affected workers, limits on cable negotiations, a News Editorial Independence Board for CNN and CBS, and an independent monitor. Paramount also agreed to 30 movies a year for two years, then 32 a year for three.

And Bonta's own review of the thing he signed? It's "not a vote of support for this merger." Which is a little like officiating a wedding and telling the crowd, "For the record, I think this is a mistake. You may kiss the bride."

Not everyone on his team loved it either. Connecticut AG William Tong said his state pushed for full divestiture of CNN and CBS News and was "deeply disappointed." Free Press's Jessica J. González called it "a new low."

An L.A. County report estimated about 4,500 direct film and TV jobs in the county could be at risk over three years. The merged company has also promised shareholders $6 billion in cost savings. Cost savings, for the record, has never once in history meant "more snacks in the break room."

Ellison told staff the deal means "more opportunity for our creatives, production crews and employees." The next day, protesters outside the lot held fake gravestones reading "RIP crew call." SAG-AFTRA board member Frances Fisher said she was furious at people "playing with us like chess pieces." And Mark Ruffalo posted that Newsom handed a "huge win to Trump and his billionaire cronies."

They weren't silent. They were the opposite of silent. Newsom, Becerra, Bass and IATSE urged that this be settled "in the boardroom, not the courtroom." When the deal landed, Paramount thanked Newsom "for his support throughout this process," and The Hollywood Reporter's read was that Newsom wanted a deal and Bonta fell in line.

To be fair, Newsom did do a Hollywood thing this month. He signed legislation expanding the state's film and TV tax credit and creating a new post-production credit. He celebrated by visiting the Burbank set of "The Pitt," HBO Max's Emmy-winning drama. That was a Saturday. By Monday, HBO Max's parent company was cleared to be bought. Nobody tell The Pitt. They've been through enough.

Paramount gets Warner Bros. The ticking fee never ticks. Paramount can't sell or close either studio lot during the five-year commitment period. Early plans already include merging HBO Max and Paramount+ into one platform and cutting back-office costs, with one company now owning two of Hollywood's five remaining major studios. And the AG who sued to block it says he still doesn't support it.

Great. Glad we did all that.